1. If you are reading the newspaper or other non-class-related
material in class, the professor
will notice. You should hope you are reprimanded directly
because the alternative is that the professor will do something
evil to you that you can't detect until too late.
2. If you do decide to read something non-class-related, at
least have the decency not to try it on the first couple of rows.
Remember, there is a difference between an in-class reprimand
and a public humiliation. Direct insults like reading a newspaper
or shuffling through another class text while sitting on the
front row will likely meet with the latter result (and, in some
cases, "accidental" physical harm).
3. Yes, the professor notices you talking. See (1).
4. Yes, there are stupid questions. They are questions
that make it very obvious you missed a previous class (such as
questions that make it obvious you missed an important announcement
about an exam date or review session).
5. Before you openly challenge a professor's factual assertion
in class (or, in some cases, even offer a correction), think of the
tone of voice you would use when faced with a gun-wielding maniac
and try to go one step more submissive than that.
6. It is a fairly common (and dangerously mistaken) practice for
students to engage in silent (potentially embarrassing)
commentary either to themselves or to
neighbors in the margins of their notebooks. Should you make the (even
larger) mistake of badmouthing the professor or the course in your
notebook, take care to ensure that you don't leave your notebook
behind in class. The next place it is likely to wind up is in
the professor's office.
7. Don't bring your cell phone to class. Sooner or later, you will
forget to leave it turned off. And For The Love Of God, don't *answer*
it when it rings. This goes double for office hour visits.
Part 2 - Grades
1. Low grades, in and of themselves, are not necessarily an
injustice. Professors feel quite strongly on this matter, and it
is not a good idea to contradict that belief in their presence.
2. Avoid insulting your professor until AFTER grades are in.
3. If you intend to argue with a professor over the grading on
an exam, be sure you have valid points. Leading off such a conversation
with, "I only need 3 points," for example, is to guarantee failure.
4. Brown-nosing is more likely to help at the A/B threshold and
not the C/D or D/F threshold. If you're making a D or an F, you're probably
not coming to class, and encouraging the professor to remember your
face (so that he/she can therefore notice your frequent absences) is
probably not a good strategy.
5. No matter how much you delude yourself into thinking otherwise,
a comprehensive final exam will not improve your overall average.
6. Claiming that you got a low score on a test question because
the professor misled you is something you can do exactly once, because
it has the side effect of causing the professor to subsequently examine
and remember everything he says to you and you say to him.
7. Using the lecture notes as research paper source material (when
you are asked to search the library for references) is like getting a
date to the Senior Prom with your brother or sister. It shouldn't count.
If it *does* count, you should both go to prison.
Part 3 - Absences
1. Don't skip class. Ever.
2. Remember that, regardless of what pieces of paper you may hold
in your hand, no professor considers any absence "excused".
3. There is never a good time to tell a professor, "Oh, I've missed
so much class; I have no idea what's going on." Saying this before an
oral exam is probably the worst possible time.
4. If you call your professor with the intention of pretending
to be sick, be sure to clear your throat frequently, noticeably pause
or otherwise make an effort to display symptoms over the phone.
5. If you are flunking the class and/or skipping frequently, be
sure to pick up your most recent exam/homework so that you are
aware of your grade. This also helps hide from your professor the
fact that you aren't attending class.
6. There exist no professors who feel that your athletic event
SHOULD have priority over classroom attendance, so don't rub it in
if you have an excuse. Professors can be vindictive when provoked.
7. When asking questions about class topics, try to avoid making
it obvious that you skipped class; otherwise, your professor will
respond with, "Well, what do your notes say about that?" and (worse)
possibly call your bluff and ask to see them.
8. There exists no situation more suited for abject grovelling
than the visit to the professor's office after an unexcused absence
from an exam. "Oversleeping" is really only an acceptable excuse
for classes that begin before 9:00 am, according to most professors.
Part 4 - Cheating
1. Don't EXPECT to be able to cheat.
2. You may feel that it is your right or even your duty to cheat
on multiple choice exams. Professors don't share this sentiment.
3. Don't write cheat notes on anything that can be easily identified
as belonging to you, such as a favorite baseball cap. You can't
write enough on there to make it worth the risk anyway.
4. If you secretly copy some notes onto a desk for the purposes of
cheating, make sure to do it in erasable pencil, and don't forget to erase
it after you get up to turn in the exam. Since professors who have fallen
victim to this will typically perform a "desk check" prior to exams, you'll
probably either be caught or too stressed to concentrate anyway.
5. Most professors think that burning at the stake is too lenient
a punishment for cheating, but they'll go along with it anyway because
it is cheap and convenient. Trying to convince them otherwise is
a bad idea.
6. If you've cheated at some point during the semester and your
parents don't know about it, be sure to avoid any kind of formal grade
appeal situation in that class. It is certain to be the first thing
brought to the attention of your parents.