"Life is short. Have an affair."
It Infidelity
By MADDIE GRUSSENDORF
Are you looking for erotic chat? What excites you? Do you want a short-term sexual fling or a long-term affair? These are some of the questions that the 8.5 million people had to answer in order to register at AshleyMadison.com, a website that’s become an infidelity emporium for married men and women looking to cheat. Websites like AshleyMadison.com don’t just sprout out of nowhere; they’re born from the dirty underbelly of what is quickly becoming the consequence of online dating.
When dating sites like Match.com and eHarmony.com started boasting statistics for making marriages (by simply matching “I like to laugh” with “I like to tell jokes”), it showed Americans were too lazy to do the initial investigation themselves. It’s true that a computer can match up similarities between two people and spit out a spreadsheet that gives justification to why they should be compatible. But when Americans are getting to the point where they’re too lazy to trial-and-error date, and would rather trust the hardwired handiwork of a dating website to do the work for them? That’s sad. It’s sad because they’ve either given up on their own judgment or they’ve given up the urge to do the work they know a computer can do for them.
When dating websites began bragging about how many people were choosing to find love through uploaded photos rather than having the courage to say “hi” to someone new at the office, it showed American s too scared to make the initial introduction. It’s true that a rejection online is easier to stomach than a rejection to ones face. It’s true that it’s easier to browse through potential’s photos and hobbies while in the comfort of ones bedroom, watching television and eating popcorn, rather than striking up conversation with a stranger. It may be easier, but sometimes the things that are worth it take work. Nevertheless, laziness and fear are better vices than being unfaithful -- these online relationship sites may be encouraging people to leave it up to computations rather than personal connections but at least their motives are bringing couples together rather than tearing them apart.
Unfortunately, even good intentions can develop bad by-products. This prophecy proves true with AshleyMadison.com. According to its website, AshleyMadison.com is the “world's leading infidelity service for married people looking for something more.” Sadly this means that there is actually some type of competition in this online infidelity search-engine field (as they’re found both in the US and abroad with websites like marriedandlooking.co.uk), and AshleyMadison.com has achieved top status. Trish McDermott, one of the founders of Match.com and Engage.com told Time Magazine that AshleyMadison.com is a “business built on the back of broken hearts, ruined marriages and damaged families … making [infidelity] not only monetizable, but adding a modicum of normalcy to it.” Thanks to this “broken heart business” people can now find their potential life partner, and who they’re going to cheat on them with, all on the same thirteen inch screen, maybe even within the same sitting.
The registration to the website is free. That means users can wink, send and receive photos, reply to members’ messages and perform searches for free. W hat users pay for are "credits" which allow you to send messages and gifts, and instant message potential matches. For the cheater who's only curious and not ready to commit ... again ... there's the $55 charge for 100 credits, which allows five hours of instant messaging or 20 emails. For the adulterer who's all in, there's the $360 fee for 750 credits, which allows six months of unlimited emailing and 37 hours of instant messaging time.
Why skimp for either of those options when the website promises an "affair guarantee" with the purchase of 1000 credits. This is a guarantee that CEO Noel Biderman insures only if you abide by his strict infidelity check list: in three months the user must buy the special $250 Affair Guarantee package, send 18 different members mail messages, send five gifts per month and spend at least 60 minutes per month instant messaging members. If the user still has not succeeded in obtaining an affair partner after abiding by these guidelines, Biderman will refund the purchase. Biderman claimed in an interview “cheating happens in order to preserve marriage.” His belief in affairs as the way to save a marriage must be why he set up the "tips section" for affair success. The help section includes a “Dictionary of Acronyms & Emoticons” to better equip those who don’t have as much experience with flirting via “lol” and wink faces. There is also a chart that lists the most popular days and times for members to be on the site to achieve the optimum affair.
As if the website isn't mocking marriage enough, it first launched on Valentine's Day 2002. Biderman said the site’s namesake came from the two most popular baby names that year. Biderman jumped on the baby bandwagon in a pitiful effort to lure more females to the site, as it seems, shockingly, that men are more apt to cheat than women. More men may be willing to cheat, but many don’t have the right charm to do so. If a male user finds himself wanting but lacking a wanton woman, no worries. Biderman has provided on his website, in detailed steps, “How To Have an Affair: Tips for Success with Extramarital Affairs for Men.” Step one instructs male users to be patient and don’t get discouraged, because as Biderman put it, “women seek fewer rewards in life than men,” so they might take more time to realize what a rewarding website he’s provided them. Step two reminds men to stand out from the crowd, because for the woman who’s looking for a little “extra” not just any Jack or Harry will do. Step three warns men against being sexual (however that tip didn’t stop a 50-year-old male from messaging me asking “ if I liked well endowed men”) and to take it slow. And the final step informs males that the women they should be seeking from the site are the female users whose profiles are discrete and lack a profile picture (ensuring they want to keep the affair quiet as well).
The website is full of other pointers and tricks to enable the cheating spouse to remain covert in his or her on-the-side-conspiracies. There are features like the "panic button" that, when pressed, will automatically redirect the user’s screen to Google to protect them if their spouse suddenly walks in the door. Users are also given the option of having their photos in a private showcase; viewing is limited to those they choose to give access to with a virtual, secret key. So subscribers can choose to share pictures only with other users that they trust. Ironic.
The irony continues as Biderman, the man who invented the world's leading infidelity emporium, who most would assume is a strong advocate of adultery, claims to be faithful. Biderman has said he is in a happy marriage with two children. Yes, the "King of Infidelity" said he does not cheat and has been faithful to date. Yet he admits he wouldn't know what he would do if he were in a sexless relationship, adding that he’s also only been married for seven years. It's a bit hypocritical of Biderman to encourage others to cheat on their spouse if he's going to keep abiding by his vows and continue having sex with his wife. It seems that Biderman doesn’t need to practice what he preaches because his worshipers are loyal regardless, seeing as the site's growth climbs astronomically each year. In 2007 there were 1.7 million users and in four years that number has rose to a disturbing 8.5 million users. Biderman likes to claim that AshleyMadison.com is the “fastest growing social network behind Facebook. ” G ood thing Zuckerberg doesn't have a wife, much less a girlfriend.
As a native Texan, I know how much pride we have in everything being bigger , but I'm not proud to lay claim to being the biggest and best state for infidelity. According to Biderman he has “found more success in Texas than anywhere in America to date;" 355,000 users of the 8.5 million on AshleyMadison.com live in Texas. And although there are more Texan men than women registered on the site (247,000 v. 108,000) Fort Worth women’s subscriptions have been on the rise. In April of 2009, there were 216 users. One year later that number almost tripled reaching 605. And why are Fort Worth women subscribing at a more frequent pace to AshleyMadison.com? Boredom. According to the Star Telegram, one Fort Worth woman (“J.B.”) admits that she was simply looking for something exciting to distract her from her day and AshleyMadison.com seemed "pretty convenient."
The cost of technological convenience will eventually leave our society emotionally bankrupt. As soon as we realized it was easier to meet someone with similarities online rather than face-to-face, we began courting through computers; as soon as Biderman realized that 30 percent of dating website users were actually already attached, AshleyMadison.com was born and cheating became as easy as a click of the mouse.
As technology advances, the number of short cuts increases, enabling all of us to become lazier in how we “fix” the problems in our relationships. Instead of going to couples counseling or choosing to continually confront the problems in our relationships, we’d rather have quick-click sex with someone we meet over the Internet. And what’s really bittersweet is AshleyMadison.com has ripped away the only decent justification any person can have for choosing to have an affair: falling in love with someone else. Now even that justification has gone out the window because AshleyMadison.com is for people who want to stay married because, as Biderman puts it, “they love their families and don’t want to get divorced especially if the kids are involved.” But the love for their families isn’t stopping them from engaging in a strictly sexual affair on the side. Or as “J.B.” from Fort Worth put it, she and her affair accomplice had a “clear understanding that [the sex] was extra,” nothing more and nothing less. She claimed her husband didn’t do anything wrong, she just missed the excitement of dating someone new.
The convenience of websites like AshleyMadison.com has made “extra” a necessity. Now that people can just as easily act on infidelities instead of just fantasizing about them the line between right and wrong has become blurred. Because whether people are accepting or rejecting the idea of a website made for cheating, they’re discussing it, debating it and acknowledging it as a commonplace; what is arguably the first step to acceptance.